Mean People Suck: What a Decade of Writing (and Living) Has Taught Me About Toxicity

The weight of the world for many of us during the upcoming winter season.

Dare I say these words in the first sentence of today’s blog ― you know those words ― mean people suck. Maybe something more substantial is needed. Let’s not just say all people, like I’m classifying every single person in the world. No, I’ll be more specific this morning and focus solely on my fellow Americans, especially the Karens and all those entitled schmucks who think their opinion is the only one that matters. 

Granted, I will admit it’s a tough lead to start with, especially as I’m writing this with the intention that says my opinion is more valid and important than these sorry individuals. But then again, you’ve come to this forum for Jonathan Kuiper, so here’s an opinion you might want and a perspective that could be helpful in the days ahead. Especially, with the holidays fast approaching, tensions are stoked everywhere, and people continue to lose patience with one another. Everyone has an opinion, so you decide if it’s worth the money you paid for it. 
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Did you see that joke I made? That’s taken right from Dave Ramsey’s mouth and his radio show. I got to give credit to the source on that one. I digress . . .

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When Everyone Has an Opinion (and None of Them Are Kind)

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Let’s dive into the topic at hand and what’s got me thinking this morning about people, toxicity, and how it emanates everywhere. 

Here in Morocco, it’s a different beast altogether, simply because I don’t understand the language or culture enough to state whether it exists at all. I imagine it does, but still, I work at an international school, so I’m around kids, adults, and the entire educational dynamic that is a microcosm for the same issues we will be diving into. Not wanting to focus on work for a moment, because who cares about that, let’s talk about My Shenandoah Love instead.

I wrote this new adult romance in the summer of 2014. I remember it well because it was right after I grinded away at Going Home. The story was a perfect reprieve and counterbalance to Vincent and Christian, and their final story together as lead characters. For two weeks, I was consumed with Hannah’s story. 

Quick side note. I had just moved from my writing retreat for the summer, a studio apartment in Newmarket, New Hampshire, to an in-law loft studio in bucolic Gilmanton, New Hampshire. Surrounded by lakes, trees, and peace of mind, this was my stomping ground for the upcoming school year. I might have been there a day or two, waiting for my furniture to arrive, when I drove over to Johnson’s Dairy Bar in New Durham, where this beautiful woman with long, flowing, strawberry blonde hair captivated my attention. 

To this day, I have no clue how old she was, but I’m confident she was late teens or even twenty, a college student working her summer gig before returning to school in the fall. I remember getting my ice cream from this girl and then retreating to a picnic table to savor every lick and bite. By the time I was done with my dessert and driving home, Hannah Jones had been created.

Knowing that I needed some conflict and a proper love triangle to be set up, I brainstormed salacious ideas. Why not make one conflict where Hannah and her mother were interested in the same married man? I know, scandalous, right? It gets better, let’s throw a minister into the mix who can’t keep his Johnson under control (see that another joke) while he’s with one woman, but trying to make his best move on young Hannah. This is the perfect combination for disaster, and someone’s getting hurt in the end. 

Just thinking about the storyline makes me smile, as the character dynamics were interesting and, honestly, truthful to how people really are. That’s where we shift to the topic of the day. After the book was written, I had my editors go through the manuscript and release the story. For some reason, most likely to get new readers, I posted the first chapter on a writing community website challenge.
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What Writing Taught Me About Toxic People

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Even animals get in on the online hate.

Let me tell you this: most of my fellow writers are a-holes. Sorry, it’s true. At the very least, many are difficult people. Seriously, you get people of all walks on these sites. Many have an axe to grind and are simply on it to ruin another person’s day. They also believe that public forums are fair game to share uncensored opinions, right or wrong. We have those across the spectrum, with some who look for the positive, some who post irrational responses, and others who just want attention. I imagine there are other categories I’m leaving out, but you get the idea. 

Anyway, on this community site, I had the book up for three days, maybe less, when the comments started coming in. One reader (writer in disguise) wanted me to know that my northern Virginia location wasn’t authentic to the area. Newsflash, the story takes place in Front Royal, where I worked for five years. I’m pretty sure it’s authentic unless you live in a hole. Another reader said the entire exchange between mother and daughter was unrealistic. No mother would call their child names, let alone the words I used. While I would love to share those words with you, they weren’t nice ones, but having been around teens, young adults, and parents for years, let alone going through the life cycle myself, I can assure you that some families swear at each other.

Then the real heavy hitters came in, those readers who wanted me to know that my story wasn’t politically correct. OMG, the horror of it all. What was I doing? There were other, more telling ways to create this tale of new adult woe, without using obscene vocabulary and having characters put down one another. Didn’t you know that no one ever puts anyone down? No one swears in this world? And a sixteen-year-old having a crush on the early twenties deputy, that would never happen. 

I took the posting down, annoyed with the feedback. There was no need to play the game, nor was I going to have a chance to win the contest that was being offered, simply because the comment police was out in force and had missed the fact that I’m a product of the 1980s and won’t cave to a climate where people in books are fake and not real to the reality we live in. The next time you see college students speaking Old English or with a Victorian vernacular, do let me know where the performance is being held.

That being said, I gave up on putting my books or samples on writing community sites. If you are only going to read the first page and miss the entire purpose of the story, it’s all good from my perspective, but I don’t want or need to hear your opinion on the matter. For me, this shifted the narratives for book reviews, period. Amazon, at the time, was notorious for letting anyone post a review even if they clearly didn’t read the book, let alone purchase the work. I had one person for Running With Vince, write something like, “No one cares about you and your twin brother. This book sucks.” 

Then again, I had readers who were simply stupid. Did you read the book summary before opening it? If you knew it was in the first person, why did you keep reading? Because I couldn’t resist, look at these two reviews for Our Place by the Sea from Amazon. “A very short story. I dislike storytelling in the first person. I felt sad after finishing the story. I was bored reading it.” Or “I did not enjoy reading this, very self-absorbed, so I stopped reading. It is not about nature, as I had hoped.”
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Choosing Empathy in a World Full of Karens

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Perfect advice for us all in this Internet-Social Media Era

I’m sharing this because everyone is honored for their opinion, simply by merit, but then again, it’s how we choose to respond to those opinions that matter. In writing, at this stage, ten plus years later, I don’t care either way. Whatever the story becomes is true to what I wanted readers to encounter. If you think it’s not realistic, fine, bless your heart. If you don’t like the story, for any reason, that’s fine too. I hear there are millions of other books, including AI ones, that will tickle your fancy. 

My issue continues to be with people who make comments not on my books, but just online, period, social media, YouTube, who I know are hiding behind their screens and wouldn’t do it in person. If they did it in person, we all know it would be a different encounter completely. That’s not intended to be a threat; I’m simply sharing that many people think the screen is a place for them to spew out whatever they want, regardless of the consequences. 

By spewing out hate, for many of them, it’s created such a toxic climate that many of us don’t want to doom scroll, check the news, or do anything online, because it carries over into the real world. I certainly don’t need to see or want in my feed political commentary that in my younger days was not posted for the entire community to see.

Words, at the end of the day, can be hurtful. It’s true, and we don’t know the reader’s perspective or their life story, so posting or commenting on something in a manner that creates divisiveness is irresponsible and creates a dark cloud over the entire matter. That’s the bottom line. 

At least with a book, if you don’t like it, you can put it down and read something that is more aligned with your values and thought patterns. We can’t necessarily do that when we are posting pictures or videos for friends and family, in an attempt to maintain connection (and sometimes for validation) only to get knocked down repeatedly by the trolls out there.

In school, I see this daily. Kids are simply trying to find their way in this world and discover who they are, but their community and their families impact how this path will go. You can’t model hateful, entitled things and not expect the next generation, the one you are raising, to do the same. 

Again, books are books. It’s a fictional release, just like a horror movie is going to create a thrill or a fright; it’s not reality, and can be swapped out. But when people belittle others in a public place, a restaurant, because their food was too cold or not enough salt was added, or the item they purchased was missing a bloody screw, it’s not the person’s fault who is dealing with the brunt of the attack. 

Even if it was their fault, what right do you have to take it out on them? Does it really matter in the scheme of your life whether a cup of coffee was hot enough? Are you so important that if someone who is consumed with their family struggle cuts you off on the highway, that it means you need to do the same? 

At the end of the day, on the web or in person, people are doing their best to manage. We can either make it easier on each other or be the reason another person’s day shifts to a more miserable one. As we shift to Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the New Year, do you need to be part of the problem or part of the solution? That’s what you have to ask yourself. Is it really worth posting that comment or can you let it be? 

Just some food for thought, from somebody who cares. 
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